Wednesday, April 2
Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now
The Onion, April 2, 2003
WASHINGTON, DC—Following a 12th consecutive day of fighting, a puzzled President Bush confided to military advisors Monday that he "really figured the war would be over by now."
"It's been almost two weeks," said Bush, commander-in-chief of the 255,000 U.S. troops currently in the Persian Gulf. "What's taking so long? Will the Iraqi regime just topple, already?"
Though Bush has repeatedly declined making public comment on the expected duration of the war, in private he has expressed annoyance with the way the invasion is "dragging on."
"I knew the war would require courage and fortitude on the part of American people," Bush said. "What I didn't know was that it would go on for days and days and days."
Though Bush said that receiving reports from U.S. field commanders was thrilling at first, he has grown tired of the repetitive updates.
"The first couple days were really exciting," Bush said. "I was having all sorts of cool strategy meetings with these high-level military men I don't usually talk to, and it all felt very historic. But now, it's gotten to be kind of a monotonous grind. It's always, 'The line has advanced this much.' 'We need to wait for backup here.' 'We're making good progress, but it's been complicated by blah blah blah.' It's all these tedious, same-sounding details. Can I hear something new for a change, like 'They surrender,' or 'Saddam's dead'? Something—anything but more stupid reports of sandstorms."
Though he is proud of the nation's military, Bush said he doesn't understand why it can't speed things up a bit.
"I don't think my dad's war took this long, and we've got much better weapons now," Bush said. "I talked to him on the phone the other day and, although he didn't say it, I could tell he was disappointed that I'm not doing it faster than him."[...]